My Immortal: A Commentary
by Abori Chan
Summary: I have decided to do a commentary on My Immortal by Tara Gilespie. Readers, here's your brain bleach. Enjoy and Review if you liked my commentary!
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to my commentary on the worst fanfic ever! :D **

**I do not want my readers to die so my first piece of advice before you read further is to have your doctor's number on speed dial, a strip of painkiller and brain bleach with you. **

**I am not responsible for your headaches, dizziness, brain damage or nausea as you read this. My commentary will be in bold. **

**Last but not the least to J.K Rowling: Ma'am I feel extremely sorry that your ever-awesome story was destroyed by this pea-brained fan Tara Gilesbie. My sincere apologies. **

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><p><strong>DISCLAIMER: <strong>_I do not own "My Immortal" by Tara Gilespie nor "Harry Potter" by JK Rowling. Only my comments are mine. _

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><p>AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)<strong>[This will be an oft-repeated gag in this story]<strong> 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **[Raven is your imaginary friend or MAYBE it is you in disguise] **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **[You are a rock, Tara. A big fucking boulder.] **

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**[I suspect her real name is Dementia which is a brain disorder, seeing that ebony, darkness and raven mean the same i.e black. Plus, the later horrors that this piece of crap brings will prove that my suspicion is not entirely unfounded]** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)**[I am damn sure Amy Lee looks far better than you do]**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white**. [As opposed to being crooked and yellow?]** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**[Did Hogwarts open a branch in England too?****]** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **[I see the "uniform" doesn't apply to you. *Mary Sue Alert*]** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **[It is called sleet]** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **[So, you were walking outside Hogwarts in the sleet, wearing clown make-up? It must be running off your face and making you look like the Joker.]** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **[Way to go, bitch] **

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **[What's with the ellipses?] **

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **[Shy? LOL] **

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **[You have FRIENDS? O.o] **

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **[NO] **

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><p><strong>And here ends the first chapter. <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm back with the second chapter of this garbage. Usual warnings and here is your brain bleach :) **

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><p>AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! <strong>[You need a brain replacement and a good word processor]<strong> BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **[Who **_**wouldn't **_**flame this?] **

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **[How nice, I generally wake up in the middle of nowhere]** It was snowing and raining again. **[Screwed up weather again]** I opened the door of my coffin **[What happened to the beds?]** and drank some blood from a bottle I had **[Was the blood vegetarian?]**. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **[Thus begins the torment of slutty dressing…]** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **[…the fucked up hairstyles…]**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **[So, she grinned and flipped her hair before she opened her eyes? Creepy] **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **[…and of course the clown make up!] **

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **[*facepalm*] **

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **[I expect you flew. I do not remember the Great Hall being so near any of the common rooms…] **

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **[Bitch] **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **[Flirtily? Oh yeah I realize you are too dumb to spell "flirtatiously", Tara] **

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **[Draco: Is this your face or a pile of trash, mud blood?] **

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **[-_- Lucius would not be proud of you, Draco! Anyway, I guess there is a wizard in GC since muggles cannot see Hogsmeade, just a pile of ruin] **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. "Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **[I hope Lucius turns you to a lizard. Draco!] **

I gasped. **[Gasping is not enough. I could just conclude you are dying of pneumonia] **

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><p><strong>How was it? Review if you want more! :D <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's the third chapter along with your brain bleach :) **

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><p>AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! <strong>[Whatever]<strong> odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**[Sure, I expect you made multiple accounts and reviewed yourself]** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **[Good to know] **

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **[Self-harm is traumatic you imbecile. People who have actually done it just do not do it casually like you!]** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC**. [Weren't going to go to a GC concert? Then why…? x_x]**

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **[I bet you look like a raccoon, except raccoons are much cuter] **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **[OK. Remember everyone, drink blood before you go to a concert. Tara has spoken!] **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **[Did he steal Ron's car from the Forbidden Forest?]** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **[Yep, because an exclamation mark is the universal symbol for stating depression] **

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. **[You flew with the concert? Oh my, didn't the car crash?]** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **[How do you smoke drugs?] **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **[Tara you will never realize the depth of that song :P] **

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **[Smart move Dementia. :P] **

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **[I wonder why?] **

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **[Ooo, so you understood? Cheers!] **

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **[Huh, so that is why you will keep mentioning every now and then in the later chapters how hot and sexy Joel is, I see.] **

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **[I hope Draco breaks his arm while having a sensitive moment in a MOSH PIT] **

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **[Hillary has jaundice? I didn't know!] **

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.

We got GC concert tees. **[What happened to Simple Plan? You remember half a paragraph ago…you mentioned they'd be playing at the concert too?]** Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **[You were that sloshed?]** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **[I fervently hope Aragog and his family makes a meal of you! Ugh] **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Because I was bored here's one more :P **

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><p>AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!<strong>[Ok? Enoby it is then]<strong> DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **[So in love with her after just a "Hi" and "Nothing" convo? *Mary Sue Alert*]** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **[However, you never bothered to develop on that part anyway] **

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **[He is flying into the Forbidden Forest to park ****his**** Ron's car, Enoby. He wouldn't want the Weasley's to find out right?] **

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **and plummeted but didn't die because he is a canon character**. I walked out of it too, curiously **like a dumb bitch, falling down to my death as my body hit the ground hard and broke my bones**. **[*sigh* this is so unimaginably boring that I am inventing character deaths now…] **

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **[Calm your tits] **

"Ebony?" he asked. **[Enoby, dear Draco. You had better start remembering her real name or else she will go all yandere on you!] **

"What?" I snapped. **[See?] **

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **[WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…Red isn't a Gothic colour? The true goth colours are dark green, burgundy, purple, dark blue and WHITE, so guess who's a poser?]** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **[EYE RAPE!] **

And then… suddenly just as I **danced around like a chicken** Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **[Tree, Call me if you need a counselor for PTSD. Make out keenly? What is that?] **

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **[*BANG HEAD HERE* This girl needs some serious sex-ed lessons. Tara, do us all a favour. DON'T MARRY/HAVE SEX. Your husband/boyfriend to be will commit suicide on his first night] **

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **[Kiss everywhere? Ew, even the dirt ground? And did you forget you are a vampire? You do not have blood and cannot get warm]** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **[I would PAY to see that happen! xD] **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Two chapters at one go :D Enjoy and here's your brain bleach! **

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><p>AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr<strong>! [You are a poser, Tara]<strong> Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **[I have a headache too but I am not swearing]** an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **[*sick*] **

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. **[Oh yeah? I usually shout when I am happy!] **

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **[LOL] **

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **[You have no blood to begin with]** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall **[Why is she here? Isn't she the headmistress of Gryffindor?]** who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **[So would you be fine with it if they had "sexual intercourse" in the Great Hall?] **

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **[Best insult ever!]**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **[How does he question and demand at the same time?]**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **[WHAT Snape would never do that! He would probably expel you! How can just teachers let them off just "BECAUSE I LOVE HER"?!] **

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **[And that's all that they're capable of doing? What happened to the "crucio" or "sectumsempra"?] **

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair **[With the same brush? Eww] **and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **[Are you going to bed or is nighttime your "business" hour?]** When I came out….**Voldemort "avada kedavra"ed me and I died!**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom **[How the fuck? Girls' dorms have spells to keep the boys away. Or maybe…*gasp* Draco is a transvestite!]** , and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm feeling a little sick. What has she done to Snape? :'(**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Enjoy guys! :D**

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><p>AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! <strong>[*yawn* What's a revow?] <strong>

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **[You may have to cut all your hair off Tara. Spray paint is just gonna kill it. :P] **

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **[OMG I didn't know Count Chocula was available in the UK]** with blood **[yuckkk]** instead of milk, and a glass of red blood **[Ooh, I thought blood was GREEN!]**. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **[Woohooo! :*] **

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **[So you regretted calling him "bastard" just because he looked like a clownish pansy? And you were "going down" his face? What are you, a reincarnation of Musou?] **He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **[What]** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **[You are the one who is sick, Tara. And I would not be surprised if she is a hermaphrodite] **

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

**[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE YOU FUCKING BITCH!] **

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **[Another transvestite. Greaaaat!] **

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **[For some reason this reminds me of Tarzan's Yell] **

We sat down to talk for a while. **[Riveting convo!]** Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **[I sincerely hope that the "surprise" is a big ass cleaver]**

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><p><strong>AN: *sob* Harry :'( **


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